i no longer understand

I no longer understand what is happening is good or bad...
When I switched the power supply to my computer yesterday, there was a bright spark at the back of the cpu. I knew the smps has gone. And the burning smell just confirmed it. My plan for the day, and consequently the plan for the week and the month has taken a beating.
Just when i thought, nothing can go wrong in life, a small power supply tells u, yes, it can.
I came out, to make a call to my friend, who takes care of the computer repair, i saw there is no network on my cell. :(
Moore's law was written clear and in capitals in front of my eyes.
And then, lo behold, the same is just in front of my eyes. He looked into the issue and said, he will replace the smps tomorrow.
Now what is good, what is bad. The smps could have blown on a worse day, it still can. And belive me I have never been more happy in a long time than to see the guy at my doorsteps yesterday.
I havent been able to sleep because of work for the last few weeks, and i just took it as a chance to sleep, for eight hours. Belive me, that is low by my standard i used to set in college days, but is double of what i was having in the few weeks.
A good rest. A clear mind. A determination.
I dont what happened yesterday. But i feel good that it happened. Except ofcourse that i have to change my schedules again :)

there is a thin line between romance and stupidity

there is a thin line between romance and stupidity. answer me -
a) To leave work at ten in the morning to walk in the rain....to have a cup of coffee - romantic or stupid ?
b) Walk in the rain...without umbrella....in the middle of the night.....towards a girl with an umbrella.....hoping to get refuge - romantic or stupid
3)dance in the middle of the road when it is raining - romantic or stupid
4) try to make "somebody" pakoda....when the best u have done all ur life is just a couple of sandwich.......- romantic or stupid
5)Go to beach to take bath in the sea, when it is raining - romantic or stupid
6) stop all work ( esp when ur deadline was yesterday)....play some soft oldies music...sit in the verndah ans sip a coffee...romantic or stupid...

quotations i have created

below are the quotations i have created...

(since i read books sometimes :p and browse internet :p i might have been influenced by actual quotes...as far as i know they are all from my experience)

1) There is no such thing as a silent girl.

2) What is burnt are memoirs. What lives on are memories

3) There is no easy way to live a life. U simply have to live it.

4) Unrequitted love is the beginning of a life long love story

5) To the girl who does not care - I care.

6)If you cant handle people, ignore people.

more wil be updated soon...

At this age, I shouldn’t be talking about girls. But what to do, I saw a complex assortment of girls, in the last few days; I simply couldn’t resist writing about them.

Yesterday when I was going to Adyar, I saw these two sexy, hot, muslim girls getting into the bus. One girl, was tall, wearing a salwar kameez, and she had rolled her duppattah over her head, as is the custam in Islam. The other girl was wearing a t-shirt, and a jean, and she rolled a shawl over her head. I couldn’t help noticing though; the t-shirt was sleeveless and too tight fitting for a girl endowed by nature. Anyways, the reason I am writing is not to talk about these girls. Just opposite, these two girls, sat few muslim women in burqah. One woman, hardly thirty, but probably married, and the responsibilities having aged her and making her look older, looked at these girls, and there was an instant smile in her face. As if she adored them. As if she was wishing all the happiness in the world for them. She kept staring at the girl, and her smile became beautiful. I have seen this often. Women -looking at young girls and feeling happy for them. Who says women are jealous?

This afternoon, when I went to the bus stand, in our office, I saw this girl – tiny, cute, and angelic, clad in white salwar kameez, trying to pull down the branch of a tree. Being a Sunday afternoon, there was nobody else in the bus stand. She was jumping up and down. I didn’t want to disturb her natural exuberance, so I went and sat such that my back faced to her. Ofcourse my presence had disturbed her. She stopped playing and just strolled. Anyways, when the bus came, we got into it. This being a lucky day, she sat in two seats in front of me. I saw her holding in her hand, a small bouquet she had made, with leaves and flowers she had collected from the tree. Oh! That’s why she was jumping up and down. The fact made her look beautiful in front of me, I don’t know why?

It doesn’t take much for a woman to look beautiful. She just has to be herself.

This evening, when I was coming back from a tea, I saw this girl, sitting on a motorbike, holding the handles, and moving it slightly little, as if she is going to kickstart the bike. She was a tiny girl, so I thought she probably was just playing around. But she sat like an experienced biker. I couldn’t help looking at her, wondering if she is going to ride, or she is going to get down. But she was just adjusting the bike, moving it a little to the road by her hands, by sitting on it. I noticed she hadn’t removed the side stand, and I called to her – stand. She looked at me and didn’t reply. I called to her and indicated the stand. She said – theriyum( I know). What could I say. She had no intention to ride at all. L.

And I saw this girl, walking opposite by me. She didn’t even look at me. Long ago we were friends. Now all she gives the impression is – All my friends bitch behind my back. And you don’t. You like me instead. So how can I be your friend?

I just need to nod right? I cannot be her friend, if that is her criteria. L

Funnily the two women I like in my life don’t talk to me because I like them. Funny isn’t it!!!

ideal partner

who is an ideal partner?

ten years ago, i used to think it would be a tall, beautiful, girl ( the complexion kept fluctuating depending on whom i was searching on net - cameroon diaz or naomi campbell or jennifer lopez, or julia roberts or halle berry). but tall was a definite key word in my search for an ideal girl. Ofcourse i loved girls who were lady like - i mean sophisticated and complicated and mysterious. But when i fell in love, i fell in love with a short, fat girl. Not exactly fat, but yeah i used to tease her often, as i do all girls, who are fatter than me. he he. anyways.....

i realise now, i never loved her. I liked the idea that i could find a girl who is unsophisticated, uncomplicated, and whom i can double guess on almost everything, to the extent that i know what would she say when i say a random word. To me probably that was like a power. Infact thats why she keeps her silence.....

anyways why am i saying that....

and this realisation has made me look deeper and understand what kinda girl i need...

and i see....my definition has become practical....

it is very simple......

if i am going to live with a person for the rest of my life.... i just want her to be understanding.....

no its not as simple as that....

when i look at a girl who interests me, i ask myself...were i to be married to her ....and say ten years into our marriage we have a fight...a very serious fight.....a deal breaker kind of fight....how would i like her to react...would she, after the fight we have, come and lay her arms around me, and say - dear, we need to talk it over more coolly.....or would she make the dinner as usual, sleep with me in the night and pretend in the morning as if nothing happened, or would she say - get lost loser, and move on, taking her things out the very night. Ofcourse i dont want her to do any of the three things.

I would just know what she would do...when i look at her....

and still waiting for such a girl

this too will pass by one day...i tell myself....

At this time of the year, for the last four years, I usually end up being in an emotional turmoil. I remember her birthday, and varied emotions run through my soul, as i keep trying to meet up with her on her birthday. I send her a message, asking her to come for a lunch with me, or the least talk to me, and in reply she always displays an obssessive nonchalant silence, which pierces through my heart, wounding me, and pushing me closer to insanity.

I dont know what i like in her.

It also could be my inability to like anybody else ( how could i like anybody else, if every gesture of every girl, merely reminds me of her. every word spoken by anybody reminds me of her. Everything abt everybody reminds me of her. In short i see not the world as everybody else sees it, but just i see her in the entire world and the entire world to me, just means her).

I am stupid i know, because, she has made it clear she does not love me. But is that good enough reason for me to forget her. yes says my brain, but in night, this very brain which conjures up reasons to forget her, fills every inch of my dream with her sillhouttes. What can i do? how do i forget her.

I know i cannot. and like every year, i will go through a depression. lose a month in nothingness. Spoil my health. stop talking to everybody. stop working. drink. start saying stupid things. make stupid plans. whatever. whatever.

and after her birthday, for another week, this myriad emotions will continue.

I will keep thinking abt her, in short, ever second, for twenty four hours a day, for the whole month. And when the month passes by, i will forget her. and things will return to normalcy. I will go back to work. start doing normal things.

ofcourse now and then somebdoy will remind me of her, and i will endear sadness for couple of hours......

but for now.....

i am hoping for the month to pass by....

this too will pass by one day...i tell myself....

for now...i still love u....and i really dont know how i can find meaning in my life without u........

Pandian

another strange story

i was waiting with my friend at vadapalani, for a bus, to go to cmbt. All the buses were crowded. Exasperated, we decided to board the next bus that comes, whatever be the situation.

unfortunately, to my taste the bus was little too much crowded. And i hesitated a little to get into the bus but my friend did not. the bus started moving.

my friend was in the bus and i was in the bus stand. he indicated me to run and catch the bus, indicated him to move on. ofcourse we could always meet at cmbt, we both had mobiles and money.
but ofcourse mind does not work in cntrolled manner. there was a share auto and i took it immediately.
my friend being more concerned, got down at the next signal and started walking back.
i caught him midway.
The share auto, these days nt only carry people in the back seat but, the driver keen to earn money, accomodates, two passengers - one on each side of him.
so my friend was made to sit on the right of the driver. he was uncomfortable but didnt complain.
i was sitting in the back seat, near the door/entrance, along with one lady who must have been in her late thirties, and her young kid - hardly seven year old.
and being decent to the point of being rude, i turned my face away from the lady, and started enjoying the dark night.
the lady called me - hey.
i turned to look at her to make sure she was calling me.
hey she said again.
u know her grandfather disappeared two months ago.( she said pointing to her little daughter)
i looked at her - incredelously
yes...she continued...her grandfather ,that is , my father in law that is, had memory problem. he was taking treatment. one day he went out and never came back.

I was about to ask - how could you let him go just like that....

but i knew better than to ask..

She continued..

You know thats why this girl, pointing to her daughter again..., was looking out of the auto, expecting to find her grandfather.

She said - they had put advertisements in tv, radio, newspapers, had put posters in the walls in the nearby area.

I didnt know what to tell her. I nodded and listened to her.

She said - since he does not have any proper memory, he must be just lost - roaming around in streets.

What could i say.

Before i could think of anything, she stopped the auto, got down and left.

Just like that.

The two gone, my friend got down from the front seat, and came and sat beside me. I was still stunned, and i just wanted to recount, when we saw a bike brushing our auto, probably, breaking the auto's headlight. The bike lost control and fell down. The auto driver stopped the auto and took up a fight with the bike fellow.

He was insisting that the fellow driving the bike pay him. that guy wasnt interested in paying, so he instead started dialling his mobile

we were getting late..so we got down...paid the auto driver...litlle less than he deserved and walked the rest of the way...

and was hoping nothing else strange happens the rest of night

.

wow i saw this girl

wow i saw this girl....so beautiful....i couldnt even beleive i was standing beside her...
she came to our lab to install, and demonstrate a constant current source.....and instead she became a constant thought in my mind.....
the blue dress, the jasmine smell, the hesitant smile, the mallu accent....

what does it take to make a guy fall for a girl...

i dont know....

whatever it is....it was in her...and yesh...unabashed...i say...i am smitten...

the next day again she came to lab...

an orange dress...the same jasmine smell, the same hesitant smile...she said good morning.....and made my day completey bright forever...

and the last word, and the only other word she said was - bye...

and i said....silly of me...but i said...c u again....

i dont know if she realised it...

but yes...i am waiting for her....

if there is anygirl for me....as they say...is destined in heaven....let her be the one....

i am waiting.......

kinda strange story

well..i was going to chennai the other day. at kalpakkam, i was lucky to get a car. The car driver is supposed to go to chennai, so he picks up people up on the way and asks for a nominal tab. so that day i was sitting along with the driver in the front, and there were two old men and one old lady sitting at the back. When i say old, they were say probably in their mid fifties.
so this lady was telling her story to the other two men...
and i was overhearing their conversation as i had nothing else to do...
this lady's husband is in dubai...
and she said...her daughter is not well...
it sounded like a skin disease...
then she said...her daughter had a skin disease...that turned into a boil...that swelled...and became a big infection and it had to be operated on.
even though they had taken her to hospital within two days of seeing the infections...it boiled down to an operation.
First the fess of the hospital were high...25000rs per day in the icu.....worse the docter asked the girl to be shifted to his clinic so that he could take care of better...meaning...he could earn more money...
in short the opration costed her 8 lakhs..
somehow when she was speaking...the way she was speaking...i thought she was showing of her wealth rather than trying to garner sympathy or find consolation for her suffereing....the icu costed this much...the medicine costed that much..the operation costed this much and so on....

however...sometimes people hide their pain behind the pride...and i have seen it in my friend.....and i was seeing in this lady....

it turned out that the lady has two daughters. The elder daughter was normal till she was 10 or 11...but one fine day...she did not return from school. when they searched for her, they found her lying in the corner of the school....she had changed...she was mentally affected...and till date she is like that.....she cant do a single thing herself....even routine work like...taking bath...attending to nature's call....she cant do it herself.....only this lady has to help her daughter. they tried putting her daughter in an asylum....but then they thought its better to have her daughter with themselves than to be at the mercy of strangers.
the daughter is 31 now...and still...she cant take care of herself...for even few minutes...
the second daughter was also like that...but she is cured and is happily married...

but the elder daughter...no cure...
they have spent huge amount for her cure...but to no avail...

they even pleaded with the doctor to administer euthansia...but the doctor said...they save life and not take lives....

and this lady...she was yearning...literally....that her daughter somehow dies....so that all of them will be relieved of their sufferings....

i make an effort to make people smile...
and people effortlessly hurt me and go :(

its funny how people expect me to say yes always

like everybody else ( i am adding that line....because often i get the feeling that people think...hey what the big deal...this happens to me as well....yes it does...and it happens to me as well...and when it does....i love to write...and it does not mean...it hasnt happened before...its just that...this time...i feel like writing...)people come seeking advice and pouring their heart...
and sometimes...being a good listener...and sometimes being stupid enough to leave my work to listen to them...i get enough of this crap....sometimes...more than i can digest...
and everytime...i used to comfort people...
but now, when i have changed...and tell people what i should be telling and not what they should hear.....i find it people absolutely going cranky.....their reaction varying from....a silent walk out to hey....why the heck am even speaking to u...if u dont want to understand...
yes...i do understand them...even today....but i am just not ready to give them the advice they want to hear...
this morning, one guy came and complained abt his professor to another of his friend......ofcourse this time...i was there by accident...
i told him....u can complain...and get frustrated...or be cool and think what best u can make out of the situation....
and he told me...i have nothing more to say...since u r who u r...and yeah...u dont convince me...
ofcourse, if i had joined in his verbal bashing of his guide..if i had said...yes..yes...i have heard to...ur proffesor stinks...and blah....blah...he would have felt great...

but i simply cant do that crap anymore...
i have grown up...
so people...if u want to hear the truth come to me....and if u r seeking comfort...please leave me...i am no more that guy...who says yes to every shit....

small things of life

like most other canteen in colleges and institutes, our canteen is also bad. the funny thing is everybody complains abt it but nobody does anything abt it. my friend had an interesting theory - he said, tamilians are easily satisfied. all they need for food is sambhar and rice - good or bad, and they will be satisfied. and since the management and majority of employees are tamils, they do nothing abt it.
yes, he is indeed right.
and i take pride in that sentence, that, as a tamilian, it doesnt take a lot out of life, to keep me satisfied. what is that i expect in life - three meals, two children and one wife...not necessarily in that order. :p
no matter what great work i do, or no matter how badly i do in life, if i know back at home, there will be a beautiful wife waiting for me, my children playing and waiting and fighting, my days will be beautiful.
what else i need in life...
i am a simple man. i do no understand ambition, success or failure, politics and statemanship. i cant understand complex things of life. i dont want to.
i understand happiness and pain. i understand happiness is better than pain. and i understand less is more.
so all i seek is to be satisfied with a simple life....
is it ok to want less...i dont know. but i let it be

some sweet recollections

well, over the last two months, i traveled to orissa, delhi and west bengal. it had been awesome over the stretch of my travel....
so i thought let me put down few of the most memorable moments on my blog...
1)i had just come down from delhi and i was waiting for bus to go to home...i had a sling bag, a back pack bag, a travel bag, and a mickey mouse doll - feet and a half tall. i had put the bags in a heap on the road and had let the doll rest on the top. there were many buses passing by. from one of them, i saw this beautiful girl, looking out of the window. she saw the mickey mouse and her eyes began a smile that ended with her lips. as bus moved her eyes stayed fixed to the doll. i was enjoying the sheer bliss in her eyes. suddenly she realised i was enjoying her enjoying the sight of my doll, and she gave a part of the smile that was meant for the doll to me....it was really sweet
2) when my bus came, it took me an effort to haul the bags into the bus. there was this old lady sitting in the bus, who helped me settle comfortably. then she enquired whther i was going out....i replied no...i coming back home.....and then she started blessing me...and wished me all success in life....that was touching
3)i was travelling from kharagpur to kolkotta. when i was listening to my mom, i put my hands on my chin, as if to indicate i was thinking. a samosa vendor, who was passing by, he came and pushed my hand aside,and said - sir, u should not worry. here u have to pay fine if u worry only then u can pay money to buy samosa. importantly no worries. if u worry u have to pay a fine. he smiled and left. it was so heart warming
4)i was kinda feeling lonely and jittery before my first talk in a conference at delhi. two tamil friends, they said, hey pandian, tell me the time of ur talk we will be there for u. and though they bunked all other talks...they were there for me. that was very wonderul of them. and my friends from warangal they were also there....it was nice....
5)i was at orissa, dancing in my friend's baraat. another friend wih whom i had gone there, who was dancing ( the best dance i had seen in my life ) watched me dance, was constantly looking out for me...taking care of me...so that i am not lost in the crowd...that was touching
6)in delhi, i was staying at my friends place to attend his brother's marriage. one morning i had to start early to go for a workshop. his uncle, who had also just got up, insisted i have breakfast and asked his another nephew to drop me to the station
very caring...
my friend's brother took care of me like his own brother...very warm


list will continue in future post