I can live the rest of my life, just thinking about her

My attempt to meet her, varies from flying down to india and surprise on her birthday by driving her in a limousine to a beautiful beach, and asking her to marry me, to asking her to fly down(a surprise ticket in her mail) to venice and ferrying through in a gondola . I think of a thousand roses to be decorated in front of her house and sometimes i think about taking her in a hot air balloon to the top of the sky and the world.

The funny part is, i guess i know none of this matters. I probably know her answer, the one she has made it clear.

I guess, I can live the rest of my life, just thinking about her, and praying for her happiness - wherever she is.

Writing is not escapism

When I was younger, I used to write love letters, to a non existent girl, ananya. And yeah, sometimes, it would be reshma and sometimes rritu. If you ask me, if the girl was the projection of characteristics i liked in girls, i would say no. Those girls didnt exist, i didnt have an image of them, nor did i attribute any characteristics to them. For me, ananya was not important, what was important was the relation i had with her - a soul to soul connection if you say.

And inspite of this beautiful habits of writing letters, when any of my friend asked my advice on how to propose a girl, my advice never included writing a letter. I have asked guys to fly down on the girl's birthday to appear on the girl's door with a teddy, to take them for a beautiful evening walk along the beach and so on. And I always warned them against writing letters. Because, its not only that when the girl hears your proposal on a paper, you miss the facets of emotions popping in her eyes, it is also because, you lose the moment to be with her, when you are saying you want to be with her forever.

There is also a fear, the one developed during school days. The letter you write is a proof of your love. IF she says no, the letter remains forever, to haunt you for the rest of your life. Letters are proofs for and against the moment. I dont advice guys to write letters, because, it will help them move on, if and when she says no.

However, inspite of my own advice, I write letters. Why? the first ofcourse is, I dont want to move on and therefore i leave the proof of my love. Second, needs a lot of explanation.

Imagine, I like this girl, I walk down to her, go down on my knees and tell her - I love you.

three words, for the millions of different feelings I have in my heart? I can write three thousand novels, just to explain the first moment I looked at her.

How can I put into words, the time, she walked beside me, and her dupatta brushed my hand, and the world around me changed that very moment. Probably I would have turned to her said - wow thats nice. What a dampener :(

Writing is not an escapsism. Writing is trying to capture the moment in its fullest glory. Writing is like photography, in eight thousand nine hundred dimensions of human emotions. Probably painting comes closest to writing as a medium to freeze the moments, but then, there is only so much colors in the world.

ofcourse theres only that much words in the world :(

i want to write something today

Its been ages I wrote anything, so I want to write something today. I dont want to write about her, about my love for her or her nonchalant attitude. Therefore, I dont want to talk about love, beautiful things, or happiness, as in each of these words, I see her face pop out through them and look at me - ofcourse nonchalantly. Consequently I dont want to write on hate, ugly things or sadness, things that lack of her thoughts dont exist in this world for me. Ok Ok. I agree, she exists in my sadness, but thats not entirely true. But as I said, I dont want to write anything about her, so I dont want to write about my pain, my sadness, my loneliness, my longingness, my days, my nights, my dreams, my dreamlessness.

As I see, I cannot talk about relations, witty verbose, mobile phones, dance, music as she has sprayed her spirit in each one of them.

I cannot talk about walking, meeting, icecream, rasgolla, books, scooty, college, studies, work, as her thoughts are haunting each of them. Ofcourse, so I cant even talk about ghosts or souls or spirits.

But I need to write something today. I really need to. Atleast a single word. And if today, I do not find the word, I will write tomorrow or day after tomorrow. But I am sure, I can find a word that does not remind me of her.... i will write...i know :)

she slowly becomes a stranger

and like a stranger

seen in an evening walk

in the distance past

her memories flickr

in a hope to live

in a hope to die

i scratch my head

i cover my face

seeds of love

sprayed on a deserted plain

trampled on feet

bursting to live

the dying memories

leave me sleepless in night

restless in day

everyday

in my grave

i no longer understand

I no longer understand what is happening is good or bad...
When I switched the power supply to my computer yesterday, there was a bright spark at the back of the cpu. I knew the smps has gone. And the burning smell just confirmed it. My plan for the day, and consequently the plan for the week and the month has taken a beating.
Just when i thought, nothing can go wrong in life, a small power supply tells u, yes, it can.
I came out, to make a call to my friend, who takes care of the computer repair, i saw there is no network on my cell. :(
Moore's law was written clear and in capitals in front of my eyes.
And then, lo behold, the same is just in front of my eyes. He looked into the issue and said, he will replace the smps tomorrow.
Now what is good, what is bad. The smps could have blown on a worse day, it still can. And belive me I have never been more happy in a long time than to see the guy at my doorsteps yesterday.
I havent been able to sleep because of work for the last few weeks, and i just took it as a chance to sleep, for eight hours. Belive me, that is low by my standard i used to set in college days, but is double of what i was having in the few weeks.
A good rest. A clear mind. A determination.
I dont what happened yesterday. But i feel good that it happened. Except ofcourse that i have to change my schedules again :)

there is a thin line between romance and stupidity

there is a thin line between romance and stupidity. answer me -
a) To leave work at ten in the morning to walk in the rain....to have a cup of coffee - romantic or stupid ?
b) Walk in the rain...without umbrella....in the middle of the night.....towards a girl with an umbrella.....hoping to get refuge - romantic or stupid
3)dance in the middle of the road when it is raining - romantic or stupid
4) try to make "somebody" pakoda....when the best u have done all ur life is just a couple of sandwich.......- romantic or stupid
5)Go to beach to take bath in the sea, when it is raining - romantic or stupid
6) stop all work ( esp when ur deadline was yesterday)....play some soft oldies music...sit in the verndah ans sip a coffee...romantic or stupid...

quotations i have created

below are the quotations i have created...

(since i read books sometimes :p and browse internet :p i might have been influenced by actual quotes...as far as i know they are all from my experience)

1) There is no such thing as a silent girl.

2) What is burnt are memoirs. What lives on are memories

3) There is no easy way to live a life. U simply have to live it.

4) Unrequitted love is the beginning of a life long love story

5) To the girl who does not care - I care.

6)If you cant handle people, ignore people.

more wil be updated soon...

At this age, I shouldn’t be talking about girls. But what to do, I saw a complex assortment of girls, in the last few days; I simply couldn’t resist writing about them.

Yesterday when I was going to Adyar, I saw these two sexy, hot, muslim girls getting into the bus. One girl, was tall, wearing a salwar kameez, and she had rolled her duppattah over her head, as is the custam in Islam. The other girl was wearing a t-shirt, and a jean, and she rolled a shawl over her head. I couldn’t help noticing though; the t-shirt was sleeveless and too tight fitting for a girl endowed by nature. Anyways, the reason I am writing is not to talk about these girls. Just opposite, these two girls, sat few muslim women in burqah. One woman, hardly thirty, but probably married, and the responsibilities having aged her and making her look older, looked at these girls, and there was an instant smile in her face. As if she adored them. As if she was wishing all the happiness in the world for them. She kept staring at the girl, and her smile became beautiful. I have seen this often. Women -looking at young girls and feeling happy for them. Who says women are jealous?

This afternoon, when I went to the bus stand, in our office, I saw this girl – tiny, cute, and angelic, clad in white salwar kameez, trying to pull down the branch of a tree. Being a Sunday afternoon, there was nobody else in the bus stand. She was jumping up and down. I didn’t want to disturb her natural exuberance, so I went and sat such that my back faced to her. Ofcourse my presence had disturbed her. She stopped playing and just strolled. Anyways, when the bus came, we got into it. This being a lucky day, she sat in two seats in front of me. I saw her holding in her hand, a small bouquet she had made, with leaves and flowers she had collected from the tree. Oh! That’s why she was jumping up and down. The fact made her look beautiful in front of me, I don’t know why?

It doesn’t take much for a woman to look beautiful. She just has to be herself.

This evening, when I was coming back from a tea, I saw this girl, sitting on a motorbike, holding the handles, and moving it slightly little, as if she is going to kickstart the bike. She was a tiny girl, so I thought she probably was just playing around. But she sat like an experienced biker. I couldn’t help looking at her, wondering if she is going to ride, or she is going to get down. But she was just adjusting the bike, moving it a little to the road by her hands, by sitting on it. I noticed she hadn’t removed the side stand, and I called to her – stand. She looked at me and didn’t reply. I called to her and indicated the stand. She said – theriyum( I know). What could I say. She had no intention to ride at all. L.

And I saw this girl, walking opposite by me. She didn’t even look at me. Long ago we were friends. Now all she gives the impression is – All my friends bitch behind my back. And you don’t. You like me instead. So how can I be your friend?

I just need to nod right? I cannot be her friend, if that is her criteria. L

Funnily the two women I like in my life don’t talk to me because I like them. Funny isn’t it!!!

ideal partner

who is an ideal partner?

ten years ago, i used to think it would be a tall, beautiful, girl ( the complexion kept fluctuating depending on whom i was searching on net - cameroon diaz or naomi campbell or jennifer lopez, or julia roberts or halle berry). but tall was a definite key word in my search for an ideal girl. Ofcourse i loved girls who were lady like - i mean sophisticated and complicated and mysterious. But when i fell in love, i fell in love with a short, fat girl. Not exactly fat, but yeah i used to tease her often, as i do all girls, who are fatter than me. he he. anyways.....

i realise now, i never loved her. I liked the idea that i could find a girl who is unsophisticated, uncomplicated, and whom i can double guess on almost everything, to the extent that i know what would she say when i say a random word. To me probably that was like a power. Infact thats why she keeps her silence.....

anyways why am i saying that....

and this realisation has made me look deeper and understand what kinda girl i need...

and i see....my definition has become practical....

it is very simple......

if i am going to live with a person for the rest of my life.... i just want her to be understanding.....

no its not as simple as that....

when i look at a girl who interests me, i ask myself...were i to be married to her ....and say ten years into our marriage we have a fight...a very serious fight.....a deal breaker kind of fight....how would i like her to react...would she, after the fight we have, come and lay her arms around me, and say - dear, we need to talk it over more coolly.....or would she make the dinner as usual, sleep with me in the night and pretend in the morning as if nothing happened, or would she say - get lost loser, and move on, taking her things out the very night. Ofcourse i dont want her to do any of the three things.

I would just know what she would do...when i look at her....

and still waiting for such a girl

this too will pass by one day...i tell myself....

At this time of the year, for the last four years, I usually end up being in an emotional turmoil. I remember her birthday, and varied emotions run through my soul, as i keep trying to meet up with her on her birthday. I send her a message, asking her to come for a lunch with me, or the least talk to me, and in reply she always displays an obssessive nonchalant silence, which pierces through my heart, wounding me, and pushing me closer to insanity.

I dont know what i like in her.

It also could be my inability to like anybody else ( how could i like anybody else, if every gesture of every girl, merely reminds me of her. every word spoken by anybody reminds me of her. Everything abt everybody reminds me of her. In short i see not the world as everybody else sees it, but just i see her in the entire world and the entire world to me, just means her).

I am stupid i know, because, she has made it clear she does not love me. But is that good enough reason for me to forget her. yes says my brain, but in night, this very brain which conjures up reasons to forget her, fills every inch of my dream with her sillhouttes. What can i do? how do i forget her.

I know i cannot. and like every year, i will go through a depression. lose a month in nothingness. Spoil my health. stop talking to everybody. stop working. drink. start saying stupid things. make stupid plans. whatever. whatever.

and after her birthday, for another week, this myriad emotions will continue.

I will keep thinking abt her, in short, ever second, for twenty four hours a day, for the whole month. And when the month passes by, i will forget her. and things will return to normalcy. I will go back to work. start doing normal things.

ofcourse now and then somebdoy will remind me of her, and i will endear sadness for couple of hours......

but for now.....

i am hoping for the month to pass by....

this too will pass by one day...i tell myself....

for now...i still love u....and i really dont know how i can find meaning in my life without u........

Pandian