what am i doing...

for defending my concept of friendship, i alienate my friends....
for defending my concept of honesty, i hurt my dearest...
for defending my concept of justice, i show no mercy to the dying...
for defending my rights, i snatch away others'...
for proving i am right, i prove everybody else wrong...
what am i doing...
who has given me the right to decide, what is right, what is wrong...

We'll See...

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit.
"Such bad luck," they said sympathetically.
"We'll see," the farmer replied.
The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it three other wild horses.
"How wonderful," the neighbors exclaimed.
"We'll see," replied the old man.
The following day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune.
"We'll see," answered the farmer.
The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son's leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out.
"We'll see" said the farmer.


- zen philosophy
taken from - http://goto.bilkent.edu.tr/gunes/ZEN/zenstories.htm

my rendition of pablo neruda

pabloneruda.mp3

relationship!!!!funnily more people confuse the name of a relation with relationship.and i look at them verily, smiling to myself, and shaking my head in disbelief.i remember, one sweet girl, who saw a number of rakhi in my hand, and said - how lucky....i dont have a brother to whom i can tie. i said - hey, u can tie it to me. and she refused. not that she was in love with me. but, she understood the meaning of relationship. i was her friend. nothing more. nothing less.that night i thought about what she did. it made sense. if she calls me as my husband, i wouldnt become her husband. if she calls me brother, why does society insist that yes i am her brother. the logic system is contrived to suit our needs.and the main issue that bothers two individual is the name of a relation. if i am in love with a girl, why is it that she has to be my lover. lover is a name. when i love a girl, there is more to it than the tag.when i am happy and succesful, i want her to be my friend, rejoicing with me, celebrating.when i am sad and dejected, i want her to be my mother, supporting and consoling.when i am unsure of a decision, want a long talk, i want her to be my sister/brother...talking to me, understanding mewhen i do wrong, i want her to be my father. to show anger at me, to direct me, to show me the right path.i want her to be herself, everytime i am myself.everytime i want love, i want her to love me.and everytime, i dont want to call her by a different name. becuase it really does not matter if i call her mother, father, brother, sister, lover, she simply is the girl i love. i just want her to be there for me.....whew!!!

relationship!!!!funnily more people confuse the name of a relation with relationship.and i look at them verily, smiling to myself, and shaking my head in disbelief.i remember, one sweet girl, who saw a number of rakhi in my hand, and said - how lucky....i dont have a brother to whom i can tie. i said - hey, u can tie it to me. and she refused. not that she was in love with me. but, she understood the meaning of relationship. i was her friend. nothing more. nothing less.that night i thought about what she did. it made sense. if she calls me as my husband, i wouldnt become her husband. if she calls me brother, why does society insist that yes i am her brother. the logic system is contrived to suit our needs.and the main issue that bothers two individual is the name of a relation. if i am in love with a girl, why is it that she has to be my lover. lover is a name. when i love a girl, there is more to it than the tag.when i am happy and succesful, i want her to be my friend, rejoicing with me, celebrating.when i am sad and dejected, i want her to be my mother, supporting and consoling.when i am unsure of a decision, want a long talk, i want her to be my sister/brother...talking to me, understanding mewhen i do wrong, i want her to be my father. to show anger at me, to direct me, to show me the right path.i want her to be herself, everytime i am myself.everytime i want love, i want her to love me.and everytime, i dont want to call her by a different name. becuase it really does not matter if i call her mother, father, brother, sister, lover, she simply is the girl i love. i just want her to be there for me.....whew!!!

i look back at my old friend, who asked me a certain question...in alchemist, the boy- the protagonist is in love with the baker's daughter. for sometime, that is the only thing that means anything in his life. then he goes on a journey, in a way for hersake - a search..or any metaphor that could replace dream, meaning of life, or whatever.
in the middle of his quest, he meets this another girl, and he is ready to forsake his journey.
so, the question is - which of the two is true love in his case...

i dont know why she asked me that question. probably in this question there was an answer she was searching for herslf....i dont know....today this question means a lot to me....in it lies my salvation??? ( bahut bari shabd eh? kya kare..."lage raho.." jo dekh liya maine........)

i dont understand these days

i dont understand the things that goes around me....
one day i hate a girl so much that i decide i will never ever talk to her, and the next day, i am arranging a surprise birthday party for her.
one day i am telling everybody, i have no crush on so and so, next day, i am ringing her door on every pretext, and her thoughts haunt for another few days...
one day i decide i will help not help somebody, next day i leave my job to sit and help for that person leaving the job i have at hand. the persons i used to hate, now i love them. person's whom i used to love, i hate them. persons i thought are very caring and understanding, are not so. the person i thought were cold hearted, seem to have a genuine caring heart.
nothing that seems is what they seem to be. everything is an illusion, my philosophy is reinforced.
i try not to interpret people. i try not to understand them. but i keep thinking abt them.
if people are good or if people are bad, why should it bother me.....
if i love them....i should love them..,.wther they are good or bad...then why do i so often complicate my thinking...
is it because i am still a humanbeing

i dont understand why people talk to me....i mean strangers...who absolutely know nothing abt me....its funny that they actually do....and its absolutely frightening too
its not that i am handsome. its not that i exuberate the charisma of great leaders...worse....i can hardly speak to strangers.
when i am introduced to people by mutual friends, i can hardly speak more than a word - say hi...or hello...ohhh nice to meet u. looking at probably at my disinterest, i often am left alone, in the middle of a conversation.
so why do strangers talk to me....probably because some intuition tells them that if they are ever introduced to me, i would hardly speak, so they just dont introduce themselves and start speaking without giving me a chance to show that i am disinterested.
other day, i was waiting for a bus, a guy, as young as me, probably younger than me, started talking to me. he drives lorries, but he has no licence for two wheeler. he makes good money to send to his family. his manager takes care of him well. his friend is not as good as him...and so on.....his dirty dress, pan in his mouth, his local lingo, frightened me. i kept checking my back pocket to ensure he is not putting a trap to try his hand on me. having been a victim of pick packet, i was little cautious. but his bus came, and he left, and he left with sweet wrods, ok we will meet tomoroow and talk. i hardly ever take that bus, but he promised familairity!!!!!
then there is this bsf fellow i met on a train. he talked abt all his heroics - in the kashmir borders, in the bihar elections, abt how he miraculously escaped from death twice and so on.
and then he talked abt how he was worried abt his brother,who had not been in contact with him for two weeks. how he could not even reach him through his friends, because his friends pleaded ignorance abt his whereabouts......
and then there was this girl, who was travelling with me in the bus. i was reading a journal paper, she asked do u exam. i said no. she said why are u reading lets talk. i often get bored in a bus, if fellow passengers dont talk. so kept talking, just like kareena in jab we met. and there was a fellow with me. she forcefully became a friend with both of us. she asked all kinda question. finally when she asked abt love, i told her, i am already in love, and the other guy said he is still searching, she called me brother, and started concentarting on the other guy. lucky escape........
but why do people have to talk to me...
and why people talk to me...it beats me....
but it is often leaves a nice taste in the memory

just when i thought i cannot forget her

just when i thought i will start drinking to forget her memories....
just when i thought i will ruin my life - for a life without her is not worth living...
just when i thought, all important things of life are worth giving up
just when i thought, all friends are less important, and dumped them into my stranger list, for her memories became alive in their presence....
just when i thought, i could dissolve myself in unending pain to forget the pain her silence brings...
just when i thought i can never forget her....
there comes this beautiful phantom of feminity, man has ever known in this world......and i get drenched in the rain of love....
no...its not love as people say..because i know the love, a mortal feels for another, because i was there, and i have seen it all....
no, this is not that kind of love. this is where, the sum total of love human kind has ever seen and will ever see, wrapped in a single moment and thrown at me , assaulted at me...
and lo! i have succumbed to it...
its not that she is the most beautiful girl in the world......but she was at that moment the most beautiful woman i have ever seen, and she still is, the most beautiful woman i have seen.
its not that she had a charming smile, but her smile has kissed all the pain out of my life.....
she changed my life in a jiffy.
people say love is this and that. and i was telling that myself half a day ago. but love has nothing to do with a boy or a girl.
love is the moment.
and i know....i am in love.
i dont know i will ever see her again.
i dont know if i will remember her.
but the warmth, the joy, of the moment will always stay with me.
and years from now, i will still say - i saw love.

is it that i was taught wrong

all my life i was taught that if u love sombody, truly and wholly, the person will love u back.

is it that

i dont love her truly enough

or

is it that

i was taught wrong