i look back at my old friend, who asked me a certain question...in alchemist, the boy- the protagonist is in love with the baker's daughter. for sometime, that is the only thing that means anything in his life. then he goes on a journey, in a way for hersake - a search..or any metaphor that could replace dream, meaning of life, or whatever.
in the middle of his quest, he meets this another girl, and he is ready to forsake his journey.
so, the question is - which of the two is true love in his case...

i dont know why she asked me that question. probably in this question there was an answer she was searching for herslf....i dont know....today this question means a lot to me....in it lies my salvation??? ( bahut bari shabd eh? kya kare..."lage raho.." jo dekh liya maine........)

i dont understand these days

i dont understand the things that goes around me....
one day i hate a girl so much that i decide i will never ever talk to her, and the next day, i am arranging a surprise birthday party for her.
one day i am telling everybody, i have no crush on so and so, next day, i am ringing her door on every pretext, and her thoughts haunt for another few days...
one day i decide i will help not help somebody, next day i leave my job to sit and help for that person leaving the job i have at hand. the persons i used to hate, now i love them. person's whom i used to love, i hate them. persons i thought are very caring and understanding, are not so. the person i thought were cold hearted, seem to have a genuine caring heart.
nothing that seems is what they seem to be. everything is an illusion, my philosophy is reinforced.
i try not to interpret people. i try not to understand them. but i keep thinking abt them.
if people are good or if people are bad, why should it bother me.....
if i love them....i should love them..,.wther they are good or bad...then why do i so often complicate my thinking...
is it because i am still a humanbeing

i dont understand why people talk to me....i mean strangers...who absolutely know nothing abt me....its funny that they actually do....and its absolutely frightening too
its not that i am handsome. its not that i exuberate the charisma of great leaders...worse....i can hardly speak to strangers.
when i am introduced to people by mutual friends, i can hardly speak more than a word - say hi...or hello...ohhh nice to meet u. looking at probably at my disinterest, i often am left alone, in the middle of a conversation.
so why do strangers talk to me....probably because some intuition tells them that if they are ever introduced to me, i would hardly speak, so they just dont introduce themselves and start speaking without giving me a chance to show that i am disinterested.
other day, i was waiting for a bus, a guy, as young as me, probably younger than me, started talking to me. he drives lorries, but he has no licence for two wheeler. he makes good money to send to his family. his manager takes care of him well. his friend is not as good as him...and so on.....his dirty dress, pan in his mouth, his local lingo, frightened me. i kept checking my back pocket to ensure he is not putting a trap to try his hand on me. having been a victim of pick packet, i was little cautious. but his bus came, and he left, and he left with sweet wrods, ok we will meet tomoroow and talk. i hardly ever take that bus, but he promised familairity!!!!!
then there is this bsf fellow i met on a train. he talked abt all his heroics - in the kashmir borders, in the bihar elections, abt how he miraculously escaped from death twice and so on.
and then he talked abt how he was worried abt his brother,who had not been in contact with him for two weeks. how he could not even reach him through his friends, because his friends pleaded ignorance abt his whereabouts......
and then there was this girl, who was travelling with me in the bus. i was reading a journal paper, she asked do u exam. i said no. she said why are u reading lets talk. i often get bored in a bus, if fellow passengers dont talk. so kept talking, just like kareena in jab we met. and there was a fellow with me. she forcefully became a friend with both of us. she asked all kinda question. finally when she asked abt love, i told her, i am already in love, and the other guy said he is still searching, she called me brother, and started concentarting on the other guy. lucky escape........
but why do people have to talk to me...
and why people talk to me...it beats me....
but it is often leaves a nice taste in the memory

just when i thought i cannot forget her

just when i thought i will start drinking to forget her memories....
just when i thought i will ruin my life - for a life without her is not worth living...
just when i thought, all important things of life are worth giving up
just when i thought, all friends are less important, and dumped them into my stranger list, for her memories became alive in their presence....
just when i thought, i could dissolve myself in unending pain to forget the pain her silence brings...
just when i thought i can never forget her....
there comes this beautiful phantom of feminity, man has ever known in this world......and i get drenched in the rain of love....
no...its not love as people say..because i know the love, a mortal feels for another, because i was there, and i have seen it all....
no, this is not that kind of love. this is where, the sum total of love human kind has ever seen and will ever see, wrapped in a single moment and thrown at me , assaulted at me...
and lo! i have succumbed to it...
its not that she is the most beautiful girl in the world......but she was at that moment the most beautiful woman i have ever seen, and she still is, the most beautiful woman i have seen.
its not that she had a charming smile, but her smile has kissed all the pain out of my life.....
she changed my life in a jiffy.
people say love is this and that. and i was telling that myself half a day ago. but love has nothing to do with a boy or a girl.
love is the moment.
and i know....i am in love.
i dont know i will ever see her again.
i dont know if i will remember her.
but the warmth, the joy, of the moment will always stay with me.
and years from now, i will still say - i saw love.

is it that i was taught wrong

all my life i was taught that if u love sombody, truly and wholly, the person will love u back.

is it that

i dont love her truly enough

or

is it that

i was taught wrong

EVERYDAY, the question becomes stronger - who are we? why do we exist? what is the meaning of our existence. what makes it worse is the fact that people dont understand my question. they are contented with mixing the definition of their career/happiness/satisfaction with meaning of life. i wouldnt be complaining, if this act of theirs deprives me of companionship in this quest.
i walk alone....without any support.
i was talking to somebody who does tantra. he assured me supernatural exists.
i dont belive him. but he gives me the much needed green signal to go in the quest of the absolute truth.
though initially i just wanted to go in search of the truth - to know whther any absolute truth exists. i am sure of it now. though it does not mean, that absolute truth is synonymous with paranormal truth. so, indeed i am going in search of it.
as i say this, i think it is important i tell the other thing that i discovered too. call it great conspiracy theory. whenever anybody mulls over the question of absolute truth, the whole universe conspires such a way that he is pulled deeper into the intricasies of human relationship. as if the universe conspires against u from finding the absolute truth. perhaps thats why the sacred books talk abt vairagya as a way to find truth....
anyway...let me plan it out

why everybody is one and the same

hey,
as i try to answer ur question - how i claim everybody is, inspite of layers, one and the same, the superficiallity glowing with revenge to distract the truth......I thought i will address everybody, as i think, this could affect everybody, who can read and understand this letter. MY CLAIM - that everybody is one and the same - can be easily seen, if u are simply willing to see....a little deeper....if u do that...u will find people are beautiful....each and everyone of them.....My last trip to indore to culcutta and back to chennai, in a sleeper class of our beloved indian railways, brought me close to all kind of people. Two andhra businessman with nocare attitude towards me, one eunuch who was attracted to me, one eunuch who supported him/her, the gang of eunuchs,who were strongly behind these two, a disoriented scientist at indore whose only arguement was i am right because i am right, a scientific assistant who had seen his five year old son die before his own eyes only months ago, a young scientist who wanted to make a mark in science but had to fight authorities, a young research scholar who became so attached to me that he was crying when i was leaving, young girls who were interested in teasing me for the goggles i was wearing for conjunctivities, a soldier in bsf who had seen election manipulation in bihar and near death in kashmir who was still waiting to hear news from his brother who had simply gone missing, the soldiers wife who didnt care abt changing her dress before me, a head of scientific lab who taught i was too smart that he decided not to teach me anything, another famous scientist who liked me spent hours teaching everything, another scientific assistant who pitied me and taught me how to ask for water and pitied my silence in an overbearing kolkatta, a girl who fell in love with me, a guy who was in love with her who was wondering why because he was more handsome settled as a gret scientistwith and had really pleasing personality, a senior scientist who was bisexual who wanted to take advantage of me though i bet his wife must have been really ignorant about it.then there was this hyderabad trip where my pocket was picked, the autodriver who unscrupolously raised the auto fare knowing i was stranded, and so on...the different gamut of people i met, each as different from each other, as water and fire.the layers and layers, each dissolving in more layers.but i still claim everybody is one and the same, because i found, each one of them beautiful.people are beautiful, if u can see that beauty, u can see the differences dissolve.these beautiful people, are afraid. all of them. one kind of insecurity or the other haunts them. for some it is as simple as finding next time's food, about finding a mate, about finding peace, about seeing oneself in the mirror that night, for others it is as complicated as an alien trying to contact them as in beautiful mind. no, i was only kidding. the insecuriy can be a continuance of their past experiences. it can be a need to be talked to or a need to be listened. also the ego, is usually the most important aspect of each one of them.so, whenever u find anybody really happy, or really disturbed, if u find anybody really angry or really frustrated, reaaly withdrawn or making a show of oneself....look at them, j, with ur beautiful eyes at their beautiful faces, of their innocence, their inability to deal with their insecurity, abt their beautiful committment to fight, abt their desire to as beautiful as u and me, their desire to be recognised, their desire to hide.....inshort, if u can give them that jadoo ki jappi, a hug - to tell them - "no matter what u say, no matter what u do, no matter how things are with u, how society is treating u, no matter whether u are wrong or right, i will be with u...because i can see the beautiful u.....belive me, their beauty will shine through all these layers, and u will find them, as i saw - everybody is equally beautiful
love u
Pandian

why do we think, the way we think?

why do we live, the way we live
why do we smile, the way we smile
why do we think, the way we think?

rationalism, logic and human existence

i dont know a thing abt any of the word used in the title of the post. or should i say, i dont understand at all.
consider for example, both ur twin sister have been kidnapped by a saddist. he promises to release only one of them, and kill the other brutally.
whom would u chose to save.
can rationalism prove that rational thinking is rational? while irrational thinking can prove irrational thinking can. dog is black and moon is round. so rational thinking is rational. and irrational thinking is best.
when we fall in love. there is no reason we fall in love. yet we conjure up reasons. isnt that how science works.
what is the purpose of human existence. nothing. what is better - dying as a begger, or dying as a multimillionaire who has served millions of people. neither. i dont opt to die. if both are dead, what does it matter how they lived.
dont want to write a thing, because i should concentrate for my big day tomorrow so,leave the post incomplete......that gives it a sense of completeness
and yeah....
let this be madness....yet there is a method in it...


PS: the post is complete. the idea of incompleteness is just to showcase how we leave out the most important questions of life for the sake of mundane human affairs!!!

?????

As i travelled towards home, i realise that life could be surmised as a bus journey. I have not chosen the bus, nor the fellow travellers, nor the road. i am just destined to travel. even were i to chose another route, the road would not be mine. even if i were to carve out the road, the land would not be mine. my destiny is just to travel. probably the destiny is also not chosen by me. Then i could as well refuse to travel. but is that a real choice?